Don’t Give Up On Her

I have a colleague at work who I knew was doing a long-distance relationship. 7 hours plane ride kind of distance. Very long distance. It had been going on for two years and she says they broke up. Not the usual fights or disagreements they used to have. Every couple have them. HE JUST VANISHED. All of a sudden, he went off the radar, and stopped picking up calls, didn’t return any text, nor email.

Who does that? Not The One.

While I can’t foresee their future, I think there still is a moral to this story. You can’t disappear from your love’s life. If you do, it means you weren’t really in love, you or she wasn’t really The One, or you just weren’t ready. Disappearing is not what people in love do.

When you’re going through a hard time with the person you love, don’t bet your love. It isn’t a game. Or if it is, not the kind of game you think of.

When my girlfriend told me she wanted to break up, my first reaction was to cut all communication with her, block her from my multiple social accounts, etc. I couldn’t stand seeing her, it was just too painful, and I was in shock about the breakup. “She wouldn’t break up and say all these things if she really loved me”. And I comforted myself with this thought. That even make me stronger to think that she wasn’t my real love, that I was mistaken and should move on.

She called me after two days, she was in tears. To be honest, I can’t tell I wasn’t satisfied to hear that she was having a hard time after the breakup because I was going through hell too. Had I been the only one to feel that way, my she-wasn’t-really-the-one theory would have been validated. But it wasn’t. She was genuinely in shock too, and she needed to know that I wasn’t going to disappear from her life.

And I regretted immediately to have made her suffer, how selfish was it from me to reject all the pain, lie to myself and let her bear the suffering.

  1. I promised I would not disappear from her life. I really don’t want to, of course. I want to be part of her world.
  2. I apologized for the abrupt disappearance. It really was a mistake. I’ve written about the distinction between love and feeling of love in a previous post. If there is a little chance that she still loves me, I have to help her finding the love again.
  3. I reassured her and said that I’m not going to run away, sleep with other girls, etc. It’s all about her, so I’ll be available when she needs to talk.

 

风雨无阻。

The Faithful Boyfriend Series#2

Dont-give-up-what-you-want-most-for-what-you-want-now

Getting caught by my girlfriend after I cheated on her was a shocking experience. I won’t be able to forget the heartbreaking display of pain, sadness, will to die that I’ve seen on that day.

If you really love your girlfriend this is how you should feel when this happens: you should feel like you want to die, because you can’t undo what has been done. You can’t rewind the tape and just do things differently. You’ll have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life, if love means anything to you.

Don’t jeopardize what you love the most for what you want now.

If you want to cheat, don’t. If you have to do it for whatever reason, then don’t let your girlfriend know about it, and never do it again. If she busts you and find out what you did, take the blow. Embrace the pain this will inflict to you and do your best to take some of hers. Never do it again. NEVER.

Some girls are great enough to forgive once. Some other just can’t. But there are only that many times a girl can forgive you.

Pamper Your Girlfriend#4: Inspire Her With A Video

Hi guys,

I just got this idea from a friend and started implementing over the weekend.

I made a list of all the things I love about my girlfriend, and I thought of doing micro-interviews of random strangers to support the message I want to communicate to my girlfriend:

● She’s one of the most patient people in the word.
● She’s persistent. She’s got ambition and she doesn’t give up on the things she wants.
● She’s smart.
● She’s amazingly beautiful.
● She’s just like a cute little mouse.
● She makes people feel comfortable around her.
● She’s so caring.
● She’s my hero (巾帼英雄).
● etc.

I spent my whole sunday, morning to evening, pitching strangers in the street, by sightseeings, in malls, with my long-distance lover pitch:

Hello, I’m [name], I’m sorry to disturb you. I’m working a video project for my girlfriend. We’ve had a long-distance relationship for a year and I thought of a little gift for her. 🙂 ……………. I made a list of all the things I love about her and I would like you to name one in the video I’m making for her. Would you like to participate? 😀 ” (always smiling)

I’m planning to collate all the micro-interviews together in one video, with a background song I chose (see below).

I’m so excited!

Why Are We Doing This?#3

Are you doing this for yourself of for her? 

This is an important question. I’ve been thinking about this yesterday, as I was wondering what I would do if my girl leaves me.

As I explained in a previous post, becoming a better boyfriend was dedicated to her, since inception. I value my girlfriend so much more than myself, and I fear that if she’s not accepting me anymore, I might go back to my old habits.

Is this a real change? Not really.

After improving your self for your girlfriend, you have to really embrace the better boyfriend role, and become this new guy. There should be no coming back from this better place to your old and dirty habits.. Change is for good.

Good luck.

 

Don’t Hang Up Mad At Her

I’m not sure whether there is any standard definition of a break in a couple. But this is totally not what I expected.

I spent an awful 24 hours thinking about my girlfriend every minute. My project to be with her is driving everything that I’m doing, as I’m on my way to become a better boyfriend. So after she told me she needed some time to think about our relationship, I suddenly felt empty.

But we finally talked to each other yesterday as she called me before I slept. We just talked about our day and our life, not especially about the relationship nor the break. It felt great to see her and listen to her voice. I think she’s still considering her feelings, trying to feel the love she has for me, so I don’t want to push her.

So here is today’s lesson for relationship  (long distance in particular): what we last see or hear can condition our dreams, and you don’t want your girlfriend to sleep over negative emotions, so:

● Always tell “Good night” to your other half before sleeping
● Don’t hang up angry on your girlfriend. If you do so, call right back and apologize. Tell her you love her.

Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.

When You Think You Lost

I had one of the most hurtful conversation of my life.

I knew the way to regain trust would be long and difficult, but I always assumed that if love is there, you can overcome any obstacle.

I don’t know if I love you anymore, she said. I couldn’t imagine there could be such a hurtful sentence. Because if I don’t have that, what do I have?

How is that possible, to love a day and not loving on the next one? You don’t choose to love or not to love.

“I need a break, she added. “Some time to think“. Long-distance relationship are solely based on explicit communication. If you aren’t using your phone, Skype, letters, messages and so on to communicate with your girlfriend, what is left?

I know long distance is taking a toll on us too. It would be so easier to fix things if I was close to her. We’ve both been pouring ourselves in this relationship, and she needs to feel we have a future.

She sees my effort to become a better boyfriend.

I suddenly feel so empty. As I’ve been realizing that change recently, becoming a better boyfriend, I have dedicated every aspect of my life to her. Work? I’m working hard for my career, to give a solid foundation to our family later. I’m finally putting money aside for our future. Studying? I’m studying to prepare for my next career move, and find a more fulfilling job, so that I can be happy and provide for her. Sports? Running one day, working out the other. I want to be physically strong. I want her to love my body and to feel confident in my protection. Dancing? She’s been taking salsa and cha-cha classes recently, and I have to catch up if I don’t want to look at her enjoying too much with other boys.

Every aspect of my life has a new dimension when I love her. When I see a girl wearing nice shoes, the first thing I think is that these shoes would fit my girlfriend perfectly. When I see tiny cuty kids playing around, I’m thinking about her again. She’s accompanying me in every aspect of my life.

 

Love is strong, love is unconditional and forgiving. After all these times I made her heart feel numb, I know that she just lost the feeling of love. But not love. Love is eternal and unbreakable.

I love you baby. I won’t give up on you. And I will meet you halfway.

Realizing Your Love For Her

This weekend I was at a mall in the city center. They have this little square right in the middle of the mall. It’s outdoor and that’s a nice escape from the ever-air-conditioned atmosphere that you get here. In the middle of this square you can find a fountain that seems pretty simple, however the patterns it follows are quite complex and nice to see, a real water performance!
And the greatest thing about this place is that you always have kids playing : they’re just naturally attracted to the fountains jets. Any kid passing by would just forget about everything and go to the fountain, either staring at it like in a distant dream or daring to touch the water and splash the other kids around. It’s such a joyful place!

So there was I, standing at strangers and kids in a fascinated way. And it just came to me, it was finally so clear.

While I was watching the beautiful kids playing with the water, the reason why I was so absorbed by their tiniest gestures, laughter and frowning was that the only thing I had at the back of my mind was her. Her. Just like the only thing I can think of when I see a nice dress or tastefully worn shoes is her. Her again.
This is the first time I feel this way about someone.
I still have firsts!
That’s amazing. I know I love her. It just feels so natural.
Loin des yeux, pres du coeur.” This is a French expression, that means 眼远,心近 (literally “Far from the eyes, close to the heart”)。
What a beautiful day.