The Faithful Boyfriend Series#1

I’ve already mentioned this, but it’s never enough so I’ll say it again: I have cheated on my girlfriend multiples times. And I’m not inflicting this to her another time.

So this series’ objective is to discover some of the root causes of unfaithfulness, and address them. Discipline and knowledge would be the best tools to become a better boyfriend.

Today, I’ll start with a confession: I came to realize and accept that I’m not only a love addict, but also a sex addict.

Recognizing it is the first step. Talking about it is a second. This paves the way for improving yourself.

How did this happen?

I lost my virginity when I was 15. I’m in the middle of my twenties now, and I have dated lots of women (before you start asking: we’re talking about a hundred, rough estimate. And no, I do not really keep counting).

I have had wonderful relationships and lame ones, but I’ve been unfaithful times after times. Not always, but every time I had a chance. And back then, I often did so despite the fact that my girlfriend was truly amazing. I am not proud of this.

When I was a pre-teen, just like any other boy, couldn’t wait to lose my virginity. God, we boys would have done anything, promised and swear anything, in order to get into a girls’ pants.

Back then, pornography wasn’t readily available like it is today. For instance, at age 14, I watched a late erotic show on TV that one of my friends had taped. He had recorded it while his parents where asleep and proudly let us watch it.

[Retrospective mental note: none of this porn makes you more prepared for your first time, neither does it make you a better love-maker. ]

The first of my friends who did it were acclaimed as heroes, while the remainder of us losers had little choice but to patiently keep waiting for our time.

My first time was laborious. But the next thing I wanted was to do it again. Do it as often as possible. I was avid to experience different partners, positions, locations, etc. I wanted to try my limits, prove my attractiveness, show my stamina, and experience more pleasure. 

This has been the mechanism of my unfaithfulness, over the years:

Sexual urge + Game -> Lifestyle

What was a game, a self-congratulating exercise in getting new girlfriends and “scoring” in order to brag with my guy friends progressively became a lifestyle. Boys would discuss their latest achievements and keep tab of their scores.

Back then, I was actually conscious that I was just trying to impress my guy friends and to prove to myself I was this cool, attractive alpha-male. But for all consciousness, I wasn’t able to say no or stop it. 

From these guiltless teenager games, the change in my personality was actually very insidious. As time went by, it was clear: I was becoming a total jerk.

And the more you put on the jerk’s mask, the more likely it is that you actually transform into that terrible person. Again, this is a behavioral issue: your body, and then your mind, simply gets used to do the same actions. As Goffman would have put it: life is a stage, and your behavior is a performance. 

Don’t be that guy. You don’t have to. Or at least if you like playing, just understand that it doesn’t have to be the way you define yourself, and please be capable of changing for the girl you love.

Something that boys tend to conveniently forget is how much they’ll hurt their girlfriend with their unfaithfulness. They probably know it hurts, but they don’t really get hurtful is the stomach-punching, suffocating realization that the person you love the most has betrayed you.

They probably haven’t experienced it. Or forgot about it. 

But if you’re smart, you know what you’re doing. 

Start easy, start by practicing. You start with putting on the mask and this will rub off on you. That’s for your own good.

Be faithful in small things because it's in them that your stremgth lies

I’m choosing this path, and this makes me happy

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How To Pamper Your Girlfriend #2: Make Her A YouTube Playlist

Hi boys!

This is the second post on how to improve your relationship one step at a time.

Today: make a music playlist for your girlfriend.

This is an inexpensive and thoughtful manner of expressing your feeling to your other half. However, beware! Don’t start googling “romantic songs” and all. And don’t just copy a (lame) music collection from somebody else (“Freek-a-leek” – Petey Pablo, what the heck?)!

The whole point of this exercise is that by building these common musical references, you’re building a common identity, you’re building the “we”. Just like for photo albums which remind you of nice moments you two have spent together, you should rather choose the songs according to your shared experience.

Some hints:

  • – the song(s) that played when you met
  • – the song(s) that you listen when you miss her
  • – the soundtrack of a movie you two love watching together
  • – the songs of a concert you joined together
  • – a song that you wrote for her

 

The songs don’t have to be all joyful, romantic or sad. But they should be related to one of your common experiences.

Now put the playlist on Youtube (the modern version of the mixtape we used to make when we were kids) and share it with your love. It’s a good thing to have it on YouTube and to update it regularly. A playlist requires time and dedication, it is not a one-time thing.

You can even make several playlists, each one with a particular tale that you can tell from the beginning to the end.

How To Pamper Your Girlfriend #1: Cook Her A Meal

Still with me? You should now be on your way to become a Great BoyFriend. Let’s cover a little bit of this journey together.

I want to start a series on How To Pamper Your Girlfriend.

You have an amazing girlfriend, and she deserves to feel that you put her on a pedestal. There are lots of sweet little things that you can do for her on a daily basis: buy flowers, chocolates, take her out, saying “I love you”, make a joke, cook her a meal (special advice from the world’s longest married couple), etc. We’ll cover the classing examples, like buying flowers and chocolates, taking your girlfriend out, saying “I love you”, etc. And we’ll also get into more creative ones. And I guess some of them will be more or less niche… Again: they’re all suggestions; you will ultimately decide whether that’s a good idea. Don’t take your girl on a cruise if you know she’s seasick!

So this series will list all the little things you can do to pamper the girl of your dreams.

How To Pamper Your Girlfriend #1: Cook a fabulous meal

Now is the opportunity to have the perfect date with your love. Cooking a meal for her can be a casual proof of care and affection, or could even be your perfect date masterpiece: this time, you choose the place, the time, and you control (more or less) what’s going to happen!

It doesn’t have to be a fabulous banquet (but if you can, yeah, be my guest!), but the whole point of this exercise is to

– Make efforts to win your girlfriend’s heart
– Explore her cuisine tastes (is there anything she doesn’t eat at all?)
– Showcase your creativity: if cooking is your thing, try to be extra original! This unexpected romantic meal will be an opportunity to surprise her by your inventiveness
– Put her in a cheerful mood

Recreate her: if that’s the first time cooking for you, there is a good chance you’ll be a little nervous. Don’t. More important than the food, let her and you have a good quality time together. Think of a nice topic to discuss about, a joke to tell, a gift, or even a game to play; and make her feel darn comfortable.

Choose the timing: consider her schedule. When would she be in a propitious mood? Late dinner right after a long and exhausting day be the best? A short escape from work for a special lunch? A take-away snack with a nice word for her if she hasn’t much time? A Sunday romantic picnic in a park? Think out of the box!

However you decide to do it: be yourself, she’ll appreciate it even more. If you make a mistake (forgot an ingredient, put too much salt in the pot, etc.): just laugh it off! The fact that you took some risk to make something new for her will make you cute!

Bon appetit!

The Last One

In this post we’re going to talk about the last girls you’ve dated – the last ones – and your girlfriend – The Last One.

I thought this video was touching and you will relate to it if you’ve loved more than once.

Some thoughts.

As I pointed out in the introduction of this blog, one of the things that can hold you back from being a Great BoyFriend might be that you’re still having feelings for your ex.

This is absolutely normal. This is a sign your personality is healthy if you haven’t ejected your ex from your life simply because you guys broke up.

Now you might compare your current girlfriend with your ex girlfriend, or with an ex that you have loved passionately. This is something that happened to me early in my relationship with my current girlfriend, and it must have been a lot disturbing when I told her about it.

A few thoughts, from experience:

One: Do no tell your girlfriend about your doubts.

Two: If you have to tell you girlfriend about your concerns (let’s say you just can’t keep it for yourself), well, TONE-IT-DOWN. Don’t describe your ex in a soaring lyrical poem, control yourself! You have no right to make your girlfriend feel inferior to your ex.

Three: Understand that there are not two love stories that are the same. You can’t meet twice the same person (and if you think you did that means neither of them are so special nor worth your time) and therefore you can’t love two girls the same way. Which leads me to..

Four: Re-calibrate your expectations/standards. I’m not saying that you should lower them. Just re-calibrate your standards according to what you love, not to what you have had the past. I hate to break it up to you, but.. It’s gone! It won’t come back. Ever. And if it does, well it won’t be with your new girlfriend. Don’t ask her to be somebody else. Show appreciation for the way she is, and help her being her best.

Applying these simple rules helped me a great deal going through some moments of doubts and loving my girlfriend for the truly amazing lady she is.

Why Did I Start This Blog?

I am starting this blog in July 2013, as I realized that my jerky behavior is endangering the things I cherish the most in this world.

I am not proud of this, but despite being in a fulfilling romantic relationship, I have cheated the girl I love multiple times in the first two years, and she actually discovered twice about it.

You can imaging the violent and painful discussions we had. I swore to myself that I would become a better man. She is so amazing, she deserves a better boyfriend and I love her so much that I’m willing to transform myself rather than lose this precious relationship we have.

I am writing this blog to keep a focus where I want to be, on how I want to do it and share my thoughts and experience becoming a Great BoyFriend (GBF).

In order to become a Great BoyFriend, you have to

  1. love your girlfriend like you’ve never loved anybody else. It’s a long and demanding path where you’ll struggle to change thing that used to just be natural for you ;
  2. be willing to change your whole self if that is what it takes to make your girlfriend happy ;
  3. understand why you’ve been falling short of the standard a Great Boyfriend : is it bad habits? sheer lust? you don’t love your girlfriend enough? a long-distance relationship? can’t get over your ex? We’ll go through all this. Know yourself and 50% of the job is done.
  4. Write down your deliverable: write a clear an explicit road map and action list of what you are going to do to improve yourself. Written commitment is the best.

 

So you can think of this as an an auto-therapy, one-to-one. But if you readers feel like you could take it to the next level, a many-to-one or even better, a many-to-many group therapy, I’m sure this would make thousands or relationships better and this world a better place. 

Just Be Good To Her (Nobody Else)

Sometimes we forget about the things that really matter. I remember a time when my girlfriend discovered I had cheated on her. We had a pretty painful discussion, understandably, and she really was at the crossroads: she didn’t know whether she wanted to give us a second chance or not.

Well true love is all-forgiving, but some relationships are sometimes so unhealthy that you wonder whether it’s a sane thing – for both of you – to just be together.

I was so worried I could lose the girl I love that I decided it was now or never: I had to come clean, for once in my life. So she knew I had cheated multiple times and we went over these stories…, but for some reasons, there was this one particular girl she was utterly worried about. More than an affair, it started looking more like a real relationship as we met in different countries and this over a couple of months. More than betraying her trust, I was betraying our relationship. More than being worried about this girl, she was truly anxious about our prospects.

So you see I’m not talking about the regular hook-up. I’m talking about a sustained relationship with some or all defining traits of a romantic relationship. If there is any doubt that you had some feelings or anything that makes a relationship romantic for the other girl: that can destroy your entire relationship’s credibility.

And she was right to be so anxious. When a girl has been cheated by the boy she placed so much trust into, there is only once thing that can make her feel better about the other girl: the fact that you love your girlfriend.

If you are able to be that caring and kind to another girl, able to make that many efforts for her, then what makes your girlfriend so special? Think about it.

Here it’s important that you have a clear idea about what you want. Don’t waste your girlfriend’s time. You think she’s amazing so you can’t let her go? Then let go of these girls you’ve been seeing? Don’t feel bad about it. You should better about getting real with your beloved girlfriend. You have what’s best in the world, right, so she is the only thing you can lose.

What matters is that you love your girlfriend and nobody else. What matters is that you do these lovely things for your girlfriend and for nobody else. Make her feel that she is the special one. The last one. The only one.

Friends tell me i am crazy
And i’m wasting time with you
You’ll never be mine
It’s not the way i see it
‘cause i feel you’re already mine
Whenever you’re with me {ooh…ooh…ooh…}

People always talkin’ ‘bout
Your reputation
I don’t care about your other girls
Just be good to me {ooh…ooh…ooh…}