I’ve already mentioned this, but it’s never enough so I’ll say it again: I have cheated on my girlfriend multiples times. And I’m not inflicting this to her another time.
So this series’ objective is to discover some of the root causes of unfaithfulness, and address them. Discipline and knowledge would be the best tools to become a better boyfriend.
Today, I’ll start with a confession: I came to realize and accept that I’m not only a love addict, but also a sex addict.
Recognizing it is the first step. Talking about it is a second. This paves the way for improving yourself.
How did this happen?
I lost my virginity when I was 15. I’m in the middle of my twenties now, and I have dated lots of women (before you start asking: we’re talking about a hundred, rough estimate. And no, I do not really keep counting).
I have had wonderful relationships and lame ones, but I’ve been unfaithful times after times. Not always, but every time I had a chance. And back then, I often did so despite the fact that my girlfriend was truly amazing. I am not proud of this.
When I was a pre-teen, just like any other boy, I couldn’t wait to lose my virginity. God, we boys would have done anything, promised and swear anything, in order to get into a girls’ pants.
Back then, pornography wasn’t readily available like it is today. For instance, at age 14, I watched a late erotic show on TV that one of my friends had taped. He had recorded it while his parents where asleep and proudly let us watch it.
[Retrospective mental note: none of this porn makes you more prepared for your first time, neither does it make you a better love-maker. ]
The first of my friends who did it were acclaimed as heroes, while the remainder of us losers had little choice but to patiently keep waiting for our time.
My first time was laborious. But the next thing I wanted was to do it again. Do it as often as possible. I was avid to experience different partners, positions, locations, etc. I wanted to try my limits, prove my attractiveness, show my stamina, and experience more pleasure.
This has been the mechanism of my unfaithfulness, over the years:
Sexual urge + Game -> Lifestyle
What was a game, a self-congratulating exercise in getting new girlfriends and “scoring” in order to brag with my guy friends progressively became a lifestyle. Boys would discuss their latest achievements and keep tab of their scores.
Back then, I was actually conscious that I was just trying to impress my guy friends and to prove to myself I was this cool, attractive alpha-male. But for all consciousness, I wasn’t able to say no or stop it.
From these guiltless teenager games, the change in my personality was actually very insidious. As time went by, it was clear: I was becoming a total jerk.
And the more you put on the jerk’s mask, the more likely it is that you actually transform into that terrible person. Again, this is a behavioral issue: your body, and then your mind, simply gets used to do the same actions. As Goffman would have put it: life is a stage, and your behavior is a performance.
Don’t be that guy. You don’t have to. Or at least if you like playing, just understand that it doesn’t have to be the way you define yourself, and please be capable of changing for the girl you love.
Something that boys tend to conveniently forget is how much they’ll hurt their girlfriend with their unfaithfulness. They probably know it hurts, but they don’t really get hurtful is the stomach-punching, suffocating realization that the person you love the most has betrayed you.
They probably haven’t experienced it. Or forgot about it.
But if you’re smart, you know what you’re doing.
Start easy, start by practicing. You start with putting on the mask and this will rub off on you. That’s for your own good.
I’m choosing this path, and this makes me happy.